


feels like i'm somebody else

by ghostcroc



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Logan is sad, Other, Trans Character, Trans Logic | Logan Sanders, Trans Male Character, Transgender, accidentally douchey roman, everyone's just a little bit dumb, intrulogical but kinda vague, kinda vent fic, remus is a good boyfriend im telling you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 11:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25848838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostcroc/pseuds/ghostcroc
Summary: “It’s not a manbun, Lexi! You’re a girl!”Logan felt something in his chest plummet as he heard the words.He turned and reached for the crofters in the cupboard so he wouldn’t be forced to look at Patton’s amused face. His stomach felt… Strange. Like he had butterflies, or he was hungry. It felt like it was twisted inside and, if he was honest, it felt awful.--OrThe fic where Logan is a closeted trans man, and the others really, really aren't helping.Also his boyfriend is great.
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 10
Kudos: 132





	feels like i'm somebody else

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in drafts for months because I'm unmotivated 24/7 but it's here and it exists. I'm pretty sure it's not what I wanted the ending to be but I don't remember my original idea, so have this one lmao. Title from the song 'Overwhelmed' by Royal & The Serpent.

“It’s not a manbun, Lexi! You’re a girl!”  
Logan felt something in his chest plummet as he heard the words.  
He turned and reached for the crofters in the cupboard so he wouldn’t be forced to look at Patton’s amused face. His stomach felt… Strange. Like he had butterflies, or he was hungry. It felt like it was twisted inside and, if he was honest, it felt awful.

His hand clasped the jam jar, and he noted absently that it was lightly shaking.  
Ah. A not-good day, then. Logan typically was free from a lot of dysphoria, and for that he was immensely grateful, but today it seemed he would not be as lucky.  
You’re a girl! You’re a girl, you’re a girl, you’re a girl...  
The words repeated in his head like some sort of chant, and he inhaled shakily, gripping the jar to his chest in the hopes of grounding himself.  
Patton was wrong. Logan was male.  
Of course he was.  
He was sure of his identity, he was a male. A man. Masculine.  
His throat convulsed in a dry swallow, and he turned to take two slices of bread from the bag. His excitement and joy for the menial task of using crofters for breakfast had vanished, instead leaving an empty, aching feeling in his gut and chest.  
He was a boy. 

“Lexi?” the sweet voice behind him said, and he turned a little too jerkily to face him. “Could you pass me the pancake mix? The others will be awake soon.”  
The bottle felt strange under his sweating palms, and he could feel how it shook in his grip.  
He held onto it with both hands to mask the movements.  
Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl-  
Shut up.

Patton had already turned back around to start the pancake batch, and so Logan let his hands raise up to tug at his tie, the repetitive pulling somehow giving him comfort.

Patton was wrong, wasn’t he? Logan was not a girl. He wasn’t. He was a man. The other side simply wasn’t aware of his identity. It was of no consequence. It did not matter to him.  
It did not matter to him.  
He repeated it a few times in his mind, but the aching tight feeling behind his ribs did not seem to lessen.

And then, Roman had entered the room.  
“Alexia, fair nerd! And how might you be on this fine morning?” his dramatic voice echoed throughout the kitchen, bouncing off the walls.  
Alexia. Alexia, Alexia, Alexia…

“Fine, Roman.” he said flatly, looking at the doorframe so as not to meet his eyes.  
Logan’s hands had dropped from his tie the second his friend had entered, and so now they lay at his sides, itching to move and fidget to rid himself of this bad feeling.

Honestly, was he going to get like this every time someone made a comment regarding his gender? It was ridiculous.  
A hand was laid on his shoulder and he jerked back, the tail of his spine hitting the counter with a thud.  
“Woah, there, Specs, just checking you’re A-okay. You seem a little off.”  
Roman again.

Logan bit back a sigh, just nodding briskly and clearly replying, “I am quite alright, Roman. I merely haven’t woken up properly yet.”  
His voice sounded high, feminine and airy. It made his stomach twist, and he made a note to himself not to speak too much today. It would only make him feel worse.

For the first time that day, he raised his gaze to rest on Roman properly.  
The creative side’s freckled face was peering at him, and his hazel-brown eyes seemed mixed with concern. However, he backed off at the last statement and sat down, eyebrows still fixed in a small frown.

Logan’s hands fiddled with his tie again.  
All he could think about was Patton’s comment.  
It was from an innocent place, really. He had commented on how long Thomas’ hair was getting for all of them, and Logan had pointed out that his could probably fit into a man bun soon. It was distasteful slang, sure, but it was a staple term used in many places for that hairstyle.  
“It’s not a manbun, Lexi! You’re a girl!”

Patton was only joking, he reminded himself.  
So… Why did his chest feel like it was being squeezed? Why did it feel like he was just a little air short of normal breathing?

He didn’t notice another person enter this time.

Virgil was frowning, as per usual before his morning coffee. The anxious side immediately poured himself a cup, and took a long drink, before glancing at Logan.  
Logan realised that this was when he was supposed to berate him on the affects of caffeine on anxiety.  
He stayed silent and took a seat, hunching a little to let his shirt fall flatter.  
White-knuckled hands gripped the sides of the chair.

Roman shifted easily from his chair into the seat beside him, as Patton still bustled around by the stove.  
“One of those days, hm?” he asked quietly, putting a hand on his arm for a moment. Roman’s voice was soft and gentle and caring and Logan felt his chest just squeeze tight.

Blinking hard as an attempt to will the emotions away, he just nodded.  
One of those days.  
He hesitantly allowed himself to feel at least a little comfort from Roman’s touch, body ever so slightly relaxing-  
“Is it that time of the month?”

A tiny noise came out of Logan’s mouth before he could stop it, and he tugged his arm from the other side’s grasp. His throat tightened harshly.  
He wanted to just cry and scream and curl up and be a boy.  
Logan stood, distantly hearing Virgil berating Roman, “You can’t just ask girls that! You know how Dee gets!” and he dipped his head.  
Girl, girl, girl, girl, time of the month-  
“Excuse me.” he whispered, choked, and sank out.

\--

The second the items in his room came to view, Logan stumbled to his bed and sank down on it, face crumpling.  
“I’m not…” he whispered, pulling his knees to his chest.  
Not a girl.  
“Not a girl, not… I’m a boy, a man, I am male. I-” Logan’s breath hitched and he let out a sob. 

This wasn’t fair, this wasn’t fair at all. The other sides don’t feel this way when they are addressed, or talked to, this was different and bad and he hated it.

Deceit could easily live as a female, why couldn’t Logan? What was… Wrong with him? That made him feel like this?

‘You’re being ridiculous.’ he thought to himself harshly. ‘Stop being so immature. You are Logic, an adult. There is no need to get emotional over infinitesimal slights such as these.’

Yet still, he couldn’t seem to stop the tears.  
How unbecoming.  
Even the way he brushed his hair from his face was feminine, trembling hands feeling delicate and far too small for his body.  
As he stared at them, he couldn't help but pray that they would get bigger. Pray that the added flesh on his chest that pushed against his lungs would just go away.  
Pray that he wouldn't feel the dip of his waist and the thickness of his hips whenever he curled up into a ball.

Logan lay there for a while, crying silently into his knees. 

There were a few times where he was sure he had heard knocking, but over the sound of his rapidly thudding heart, he could never be sure.

He couldn’t muster up the willpower to check.  
His shirt was too tight, it clung to him, his chest, and he knew that unfurling from his ball would bring attention to that fact.  
And he wasn’t sure if he could manage that right now.

It must have been a few hours of lying awake on his mattress, the light from the window warming as it reached around midday, when there was another knock.  
He had calmed down completely by this point, and therefore could clearly hear the specific rhythm of the sound.  
Dun. dundundun. Dun.

That was their signal.  
Logan let out a hum, stretching out over his now messy bedspread and unlocking the lock with a flick of his wrist.

The door creaked open and closed.

A cold hand caressed his face.

“Hey, Lolo. How’s my handsome nerd feelin’?”

Logan let his eyes flutter shut, leaning into the touch.

He was going to be alright.  
He was safe now, away from judgement, and at that moment, neatly pressed clothes crumpled and tear tracks on his cheeks, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that somebody enjoyed this at least, and at the end it's vague but it's intended to be Remus.  
> BIG props to you if you read all this, ily a lot lmao.  
> Comments are also VERY WELCOMED. I love them! Even if it's just a smiley, anything to know that you might've enjoyed it is a big boost!


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